My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
