4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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