Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
