I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
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