made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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