True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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