The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Congratulations! We have a period
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
