1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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