Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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