please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
