420 ftw
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
