My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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