Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Randomize
