i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
