We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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