I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
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