I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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