I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Randomize
