I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
