I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Randomize
