Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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