.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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