I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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