Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
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