My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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