dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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