your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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