I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
