Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
