I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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