i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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