I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
false alarm, still single
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