he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
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