i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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