remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
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There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
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We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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