I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
