I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
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You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
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Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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