We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
