The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
