You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
