just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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