On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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