it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
