Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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