it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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