he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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