I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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