I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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