He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
