i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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