I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
