I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
