She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
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