mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Randomize
