My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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