I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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