Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Randomize
