I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
