just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I wish you could order shots online.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
there is puke in my bra ... again
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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