My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
