After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
